Trying to Remember to Breathe

I am, once again, completely overwhelmed.  I am surprised that I manage to get dressed in the morning.  The daily chores are happening, somewhat haphazardly, but they are happening.  Everyday each older boy gets a backpack stuffed with a towel, sunscreen, clothes for after swimming, and a kosher, dairy, peanut-free lunch containing two serving of fruit and/or vegetables and a protein source.  Some days there is also a Tae Kwon Do uniform, t-shirt for tie-dying, lovie for sleeping or object for show and tell.

The laundry is getting done, although folding is not.  Meals are being prepared and dishes are being washed.

The baby is fed, changed, played with and occasionally naps.  Although we’re all too lazy to actually walk upstairs to put him in his crib so he’s still sleeping in a co-sleeper in the dining room.

Play dates have even happened—on more than one occasion.

Here’s what’s not happening.  Our Disney trip in October is still not planned. 

If you read yesterday, you’ll see our beach trip next week almost didn’t happen.  I’m currently completely overwhelmed by the selection of beach cabanas on Amazon.  Do we really need shade?  Yes, yes we do. 

I can’t decide whether my 4 year old should be a full or half day preschooler next year and his preschool starts next week. 

I haven’t managed to actually sign the children up for any of the activities I’ve promised them they’ll be doing in the fall.

My attempt at turning my blog about Eric into a book has completely stalled.

My mood is steadily growing ever more sour, and everyday is feeling more like a chore than a chance to live life abundantly.  Every time I look at the baby I note a new, more grown up change, and mourn his passing babyhood.

More and more I think about Eric and the tears are just below the surface.  I feel like I’m back to where I was when I started writing the blog about him.  I’m stuck.  My jaw constantly aches from holding it so tightly.

I don’t know how to make things better so I just go on.  That’s not to say there aren’t good things, there are.  We just had a fabulous weekend visit with my parents.  We have good friends and are making more.  We have each other.  It’s just things are moving so quickly and I can barely find the time to catch my breath, let alone get organized.  Soon the school year will be here and my oldest will be in second grade. 

Soon my husband may not be so forgiving when I can’t take a second to hug him because all of the junk cluttering the kitchen counters is really stressing me out.

Soon my boys will grow up and if I can’t get a handle on the laundry I may miss it.

PANIC!!

Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night in a panic because you’ve forgotten something?  I did today.

This is actually something that happens to me fairly frequently.  On a good night, it’s something I’ve forgotten to put in a backpack for the morning and I can do it and go back to bed.  On a bad night it’s something that I can’t do anything about until business hours but the panic keeps me awake anyway.

I bolted awake at 5:30 am with the sick feeling that I had forgotten to send in the second half of the payment for our beach vacation next week.  I knew I hadn’t sent it in, but I couldn’t remember when it was due.  If I messed this up it’s not only my family’s vacation I’ve ruined.  There are three other families coming, one from as far as Colorado.  I sleep with my phone by my bed (it made more sense when I was feeding the baby in the middle of the night but now it’s just become habit) so I sent myself a quick email to check the rental agreement.  If I missed the deadline I couldn’t do anything about it at 5:30 anyway.  Well, it wasn’t that easy.  I couldn’t go back to sleep and I started having a stomach ache from the worry so I just got up and checked the rental agreement.  Then I really panicked.

The bulk of our payment was due 3 weeks ago.  No way I was getting anymore sleep after that.  I almost puked.  I headed to the shower (might as well panic and get ready for work at the same time) holding back the tears.  What if I’ve screwed this up for everyone???  We’ll have to reimburse people for airfare; we won’t get to see our good friends we’ve REALLY been looking forward to seeing.

I showered and dressed and made the big boys breakfast.  I unloaded the dishwasher and packed up my pump.  I sat with my 4 year old for a while trying to act as if everything was normal.  The baby woke up so I went to go feed him.  As I fed him I checked my email.  There was the one from myself reminding me to check the rental agreement.  And there were three from the rental agency thanking me for my payment and giving me directions to the cottage and instructions on how we get in.

What???

Turns out back in January when I booked the vacation I was smart enough to know I would forget to send in the last payment so I told them to go ahead and charge my card when the time came.  I almost melted I was so relieved.

The emails from the agency came in last night at midnight—after I went to bed but before I woke up panicked.  Too bad I didn’t check my email when I sent myself that other one.  I could have saved myself hours of stomach roiling, tear inducing panic.

I wish I could say I’m sure it will be smooth sailing until we get to the beach next week, but I haven’t packed yet.  I haven’t even started planning what to pack yet.  My husband says I’m not happy unless I have something to worry about.  He may be right, but I could do without the panic.

Buzz Killer

This is the conversation I overheard in the car yesterday:

Toby (age 4): "When I grow up I'm going to jump in puddles anytime I want to!"
Sam (age 7): "When you grow up you won't want to jump in puddles."
Toby: "Yes I will!"
Sam: "When you grow up you'll be so busy you won't have time to jump in puddles even if you want to."

What am I teaching my children??

My husband and I work hard so we can provide our children with a relatively carefree childhood...or so we thought.

Sam is our oldest and he is a typical oldest child. He is a pleaser and he's very precise and hard on himself. He follows the rules and expects everyone else to do the same. While he can be very goofy, he can also be very serious, so much so that at times I have to tell him to lighten up. He's a lot like me, I am also an oldest child.

After overhearing this conversation I resolved to try and show him the lighter side of adulthood. True, I no longer want to jump in puddles, but I do have fun and I want him to see that.

Then came this morning when I found myself snapping at him to come when I called him so I could give him hugs and kisses before I left for work.

????

I was yelling at my child so I could give him a hug and a kiss. What kind of sense does this make? I guess I need to lighten up myself before I can get him to lighten up. That minute he took to dawdle on his way to say goodbye wasn't going to make me late. I was just already so anxious about being late I couldn't let it go.

Mornings are tough. I didn't get up late, I just had a lot to do and I ended up a little squeezed for time. In the end I made it to work in plenty of time and now am stuck with the guilt of robbing the pleasantness from the morning. I wish I had just left when we were all watching the astronauts enter the space shuttle while parked on my bed and I finished feeding the baby. But I didn't.

I'm not raising my kids in an idealized world. They know bad things happen. Any illusions that this world was perfect were shattered when their beloved Uncle died. Still, I want them to be kids and experience the joy of childhood. I don't want them to worry about my stress and I don't want them to think that being an adult is all stress and no joy.

Something else for me to stress about.

Lazy

Have my iDevices killed the blogger in me?

It has been over a week since I have last blogged and it's not because I don't have anything to say. I have been having trouble finding the time to sit down and actually write. On days I don't work my dedicated computer time is over breakfast. I love having my coffee while checking my email and Facebook and maybe writing a blog or otherwise surfing. Since my birthday (roughly 2 weeks ago) when I got an iPad, I no longer use my laptop to do this. I use the iPad. And why wouldn't I? It's smaller, it powers on faster, it has a sleeker look and a more user friendly interface. But it isn't really conducive to typing. It's on-screen keyboard is really only good for a quick email reply or Facebook status update.

I anticipated this issue and got a wireless keyboard (which I am typing on now) to go with the iPad. What I didn't anticipate was that I would be too lazy to walk into another room and retrieve the keyboard and actually use it. Emails that require lengthy replies and blogging always seem to be things that I'll do later.

If you haven't heard from me lately, that's probably why.

I've also been a bit busier. It's summer and weekend barbecues and trips to the pool take precedence over inside computer time. At work my downtime is taken up by pumping.

So I'm still here, the baby loves the pool, the older boys are getting darker skin and lighter hair and Mike and I are remembering how much we love hosting our friends in the back yard with the grill going and the wine flowing. It just might be a while longer in between blogs. I blame these new-fangled devices.