Trying to Remember to Breathe

I am, once again, completely overwhelmed.  I am surprised that I manage to get dressed in the morning.  The daily chores are happening, somewhat haphazardly, but they are happening.  Everyday each older boy gets a backpack stuffed with a towel, sunscreen, clothes for after swimming, and a kosher, dairy, peanut-free lunch containing two serving of fruit and/or vegetables and a protein source.  Some days there is also a Tae Kwon Do uniform, t-shirt for tie-dying, lovie for sleeping or object for show and tell.

The laundry is getting done, although folding is not.  Meals are being prepared and dishes are being washed.

The baby is fed, changed, played with and occasionally naps.  Although we’re all too lazy to actually walk upstairs to put him in his crib so he’s still sleeping in a co-sleeper in the dining room.

Play dates have even happened—on more than one occasion.

Here’s what’s not happening.  Our Disney trip in October is still not planned. 

If you read yesterday, you’ll see our beach trip next week almost didn’t happen.  I’m currently completely overwhelmed by the selection of beach cabanas on Amazon.  Do we really need shade?  Yes, yes we do. 

I can’t decide whether my 4 year old should be a full or half day preschooler next year and his preschool starts next week. 

I haven’t managed to actually sign the children up for any of the activities I’ve promised them they’ll be doing in the fall.

My attempt at turning my blog about Eric into a book has completely stalled.

My mood is steadily growing ever more sour, and everyday is feeling more like a chore than a chance to live life abundantly.  Every time I look at the baby I note a new, more grown up change, and mourn his passing babyhood.

More and more I think about Eric and the tears are just below the surface.  I feel like I’m back to where I was when I started writing the blog about him.  I’m stuck.  My jaw constantly aches from holding it so tightly.

I don’t know how to make things better so I just go on.  That’s not to say there aren’t good things, there are.  We just had a fabulous weekend visit with my parents.  We have good friends and are making more.  We have each other.  It’s just things are moving so quickly and I can barely find the time to catch my breath, let alone get organized.  Soon the school year will be here and my oldest will be in second grade. 

Soon my husband may not be so forgiving when I can’t take a second to hug him because all of the junk cluttering the kitchen counters is really stressing me out.

Soon my boys will grow up and if I can’t get a handle on the laundry I may miss it.