I Am Not Enough

I am not enough.  How could I be really?  How could anyone be?  As Hillary Clinton said, “It Takes a Village”.  Children need 2 parents, grandparents, friends, teachers, and so much more.  Yet just for a small while, I was enough.  For 9 months I carried each one.  Me and me alone.  For a little while after that I rocked them and soothed them and fed them and I was still enough.  They preferred me for the simple reason that I smelled like food.  And I loved it.

And now it’s over.

Yesterday I took Drew in for his 6 month appointment and he is falling off of the growth chart.  At 4 months he was a small, but stable 14^th percentile in weight.  Yesterday he was in the 1^st percentile.  Despite all the pumping and the nursing, he’s not gaining enough weight.  I am not enough.

Yesterday he started formula and cereal in addition to breast milk.  Soon we’ll add in vegetables, then fruit and meat.  He’s growing up.

I never expected to be enough, but I still hate that my small window of time is over.  He’s still my baby, I like to think that I can soothe him better than anyone else (don’t tell me if it’s not true, I don’t want to know), but now the outside world is creeping in and that will only happen more and more.  With each new food and new experience he’ll grow a little more up and away from the cocoon we had together.  It’s natural and normal and I expected it.  It doesn’t mean I have to like it.

I already miss my baby.  Is that weird? 

Parenting Stumpers

Every once in a while my children throw me for a loop.  They are always saying crazy things and doing crazy things, but sometimes they make my heart break with their innocence.

Most of you know that my brother died almost 2 years ago.  It was unexpected and all of sudden a huge presence in all of our lives was gone.  My kids were 6 and 3 at the time and they are still processing it.  Several weeks ago, Toby, my 4 year old sang a song to his baby brother which included the lines, “You are the best brother ever” and “You’ll never die”.  I posted it on facebook and many of the parents from his preschool class commented that their child was talking about death also.  It left me wondering if it was the age or if my child was spreading it around his class.

Yesterday we went out for brunch and had to wait to be seated.  We were waiting outside and the boys were being pretty good—playing rock, paper, scissors and goofing around.  Toby came up to me and out of the blue said, “You’ll never die, right?”  What do you do at that moment?  We all die and we don’t get to choose when or how.  I don’t want to lie to my kids, but I don’t want him worrying that I (or any of us) might die at any minute.  It’s a hard line to walk.

Later that morning he asked me who died after Uncle Eric.  I wasn’t sure where he was going with that, but I brought up my grandmother who died in April.  He got a sad look on his face and said “She used to save me treats”.  And she did.  She always had a chocolate chip cookie or something equally as exciting when the boys would come to visit.  I reminded him how much she loved him and loved when he would visit and I held him tight.

What else could I do?

Toby's song

Friends Forever

We just got back from a vacation at the beach with 9 children and 8 adults in a 4 bedroom house and it was wonderful.

My husband has an amazing group of friends that he has known since elementary school.  Every other year we try to get together for a vacation.  Two years ago was the first one and we went to Colorado.  This year I planned the trip and we went to Tybee Island, Georgia.  As stressed as I was about planning a vacation for four families, it was worth it.  It was so good to see old friends, some of whom we haven’t seen since that Colorado trip.  It was amazing to watch all of the kids play well together and listen to my husband and his friends reminisce about their second grade soccer team.

My longest friendship, not including friends I’ve been reunited with through facebook, is with a girl I met when I was 16.  I think that’s pretty good, but not as good as 5 which is when my husband met one of his friends.  (Said friend didn’t actually make this trip but we’re counting on him and his wife for next time!)

The kids on this trip ranged in age from 8 years to 5 months.  What an incredible experience for them to get to know each other and extend the friendships of their fathers.  Luckily for the fathers, the mothers all get along pretty well too.

One of the other mothers and I were wondering at what point our children will start rebelling about “having” to go on this trip.  When will they prefer to be with their friends rather than with their parent’s friends?  Will we be lucky enough that they will consider each other friends and still be as excited to see each other as the adults are?

One thing I do know.  I’m already looking forward to the next trip.

Rules

I am a rule follower.  This is something I have learned about myself over the years.  When I was in med school and I missed high honors on a test by 0.2 points (and yes it was graded that closely) it never even occurred to me to go to the teacher and fight for those points.  That was the grade I earned and that was that.  Later when I heard that others did fight, successfully, for better grades I felt betrayed that the teachers didn’t stand by their grades and dumb for not fighting it myself.

I believe that rules are important and that they should be followed.  I don’t park in front of the preschool (where it says no parking) when I am dropping off my child.  I park in one of the designated spots, and if those aren’t available, in a spot for the general population.  I dress my children according to their school’s dress codes.  Every other child may be in crocs or flip flops, but mine will be in sneakers.  I don’t mind doing this, but I do mind when others don’t. 

Lately I have been walking at an indoor track since it’s been so incredibly hot outside.  There are rules clearly posted on the wall of the track. Runners take the outside lane, walkers take the inside lane.  Children under 12 are NOT ALLOWED unless they are in a stroller or a front carrier (capitalization taken from the sign).  Nobody, it appears, follows these rules except for me.  There are walkers on the outside and runners on the inside.  There are children running all over the place.  And it burns me up.  Why do I care so much?  I guess because I feel compelled to follow the rules.  When my 7 year old asked if he could run the track I showed him the rules and said no.  But another mother has been letting her 4 or 5 year old run and play on the track while she sits and waits.  I should mention that this track is upstairs and not all parts of it can be seen from any single vantage point.  There are 2 staircases and on at least one occasion I have had to ask her child not to go down one of them because I know she can’t see what he is doing.  Then when I get to her, halfway around the track, I tell her what he’s doing.  So now I’m her babysitter as well.

I don’t know why I feel compelled to follow the rules and others don’t.  I do know that I am teaching my children to be rule followers and I wonder if this will suit them well in the long run.  I want them to have every advantage in life, do I want them to feel free to argue for that grade, or to just buckle down and study harder for the next test?  How about both?  How do you teach children that some rules are ok to follow and some aren’t?  If I bend or break the rules sometimes, will they bend or break the rules all of the time?

Clearly there are some rules that matter more than others.  In the long run it doesn’t matter which lane you walk or run in (except to me apparently).  It does matter if you run a red light though.  It matters if you take things that aren’t yours.  It matters if you do things that could potentially harm yourself or others.  As adults we are supposed to know where that line is, but we don’t always.  So how can we expect children to?

So for good or bad, I’m teaching my children to follow the rules.  All of them.  All the time.  If they don’t agree with one, they can ask to change it but until it’s changed it needs to be followed. 

I hope this isn’t one of the many ways I’m sure I’m warping them for life.