I am not enough. How could I be really? How could anyone be? As Hillary Clinton said, “It Takes a Village”. Children need 2 parents, grandparents, friends, teachers, and so much more. Yet just for a small while, I was enough. For 9 months I carried each one. Me and me alone. For a little while after that I rocked them and soothed them and fed them and I was still enough. They preferred me for the simple reason that I smelled like food. And I loved it.
And now it’s over.
Yesterday I took Drew in for his 6 month appointment and he is falling off of the growth chart. At 4 months he was a small, but stable 14th percentile in weight. Yesterday he was in the 1st percentile. Despite all the pumping and the nursing, he’s not gaining enough weight. I am not enough.
Yesterday he started formula and cereal in addition to breast milk. Soon we’ll add in vegetables, then fruit and meat. He’s growing up.
I never expected to be enough, but I still hate that my small window of time is over. He’s still my baby, I like to think that I can soothe him better than anyone else (don’t tell me if it’s not true, I don’t want to know), but now the outside world is creeping in and that will only happen more and more. With each new food and new experience he’ll grow a little more up and away from the cocoon we had together. It’s natural and normal and I expected it. It doesn’t mean I have to like it.
I already miss my baby. Is that weird?
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