Choice Regrets

I have to go back to work tomorrow and I don’t want to.  I feel like a toddler who wants to throw a temper tantrum only I have enough will power not to throw myself on the floor and scream.  Just barely.

When we first moved to Charlotte I was home with both older boys for a month before I started work.  They were 3 ½ and 9 months and I went crazy.  We had no schedule, I didn’t know where anything was and if I did I couldn’t get there with Charlotte’s crazy road naming system (or lack there-of) and I was trying to unpack and organize our new house.  I couldn’t wait to get to work.  My attitude has changed over the years.  

I always thought the time I’d want to be home was when the kids were babies, but actually I’m feeling guiltier about working with a school age child.  Even though I only work part-time, my schedule limits his when it comes to play dates and after school activities.  I can’t volunteer in his school as much as some of the other mothers.  I don’t get to know the other mothers well. 

I have loved being home these past three months.  Even with the laundry, the making of school lunches, the cleaning and (rarely) cooking, I have loved it.  I can get Sam from the school bus everyday.  I can go into his school and volunteer more.  I can get Toby early from his school and volunteer there more.  I can exercise almost everyday without having to get up at some ungodly hour.  I can snuggle with Drew whenever I want.  With a little more practice I might even be able to plan meals and provide something a little healthier than hot dogs and chicken nuggets every night.

Unfortunately I can’t stay home.  My husband and I planned our lives on two incomes and that mortgage won’t allow me to stay home.  It’s a choice I made, a choice I never thought I would regret after working so hard through medical school, residency and fellowship.

Since I’m not a toddler I don’t have the luxury of throwing a tantrum.  I will organize the frozen breast milk and sterilize the bottles today.  Tomorrow morning I will get up early, shower and dress professionally.  I will grab my work bag and the breast pump and drive the preschool carpool and then go to work instead of back home.  I might cry, but I’ll make it.

And then I’ll do it again Tuesday and be grateful that I only work part-time.  I can’t wait until Thursday when I can be home all day.